SRS Diary

Monday, 10/28/02, 11:30 PM
      The end of an eighteen year path. I count, as the beginning of that journey, my very first trip to the Spirit Club in the summer of 1984: my public debut as a woman. And here I am, SRS but two days away, and this journey is finally coming to a happy end.
      I've been battling this cold for a week, afraid it may delay my surgery. However, the fear has been mild and periodic instead of deep and constant. My 12 Step program has given me a faith in God and Her plan for me, that I know all will be all right if my surgery is postponed. I waited 14 years, so a little longer won't kill me. Yet I do have faith that God will see me through to my date on Thursday. It feels right. Time for bed. Dozens of things to do tomorrow, including packing for Portland!

Tuesday, 10/29/02, 11:59 PM
      It's late, I'm packed, I have taken care of everything I need to, and I am so excited! I hope I can sleep. Wakeup in 4.5 hours!

Wednesday, 10/30/02, 4:45 PM
      I'm starting this in the waiting room of Dr. Meltzer's office. The entire trip has been flawless so far, no delays, hassles or problems. Even my transfer at Sacramento: the other gate was only fifty feet away! What are the chances in a terminal that big? This day feels like one continuous God-shot; everything going my way, like an omen.
      Waiting for the nurse in the exam room. Dr. Meltzer just left after checking there's enough tissue to not require a graft, and discussing some refinements he's made in his technique. He recounted his remarkable track record of few complications. As I sit here waiting I have every confidence in Dr. Meltzer. My only complaint is the headache that's coming on.

Wednesday, 10/30/02, 9:30ish PM
      Back in the room. I'm drinking this foul bowl prep laxative. It tastes like sour Rose's Lime Juice. Thank Goddess I chilled the bottle with motel ice; even cold it's still very intense. This afternoon's headache is even worse, probably from the cans of broth I had for lunch and dinner. This will be the last time I ever eat anything with MSG in it.
      I am so touched, I want to cry. My mother just gave me an heirloom, a dress watch handed down from her great aunt to her mother to her. My mom said she wanted her eldest daughter to have it. I can't express my gratitude that now even my mother accepts me as a woman. My ex Greta is here, too; she drove down from Seattle to support me through this.
      My guts still gurgling with laxative, my headache still throbbing and yet I go to bed filled with excitement and gratitude.

Thursday, 10/31/02, 6:15 AM
Surgery Day!
      Started with a hot shower and my morning prayers, then a short yoga routine, waiting for the driver to take me to Eastmoreland. I write this in the Admitting area, waiting to be shown to the room where they'll prep me. My headache is quickly ebbing, and I am so grateful to God for getting me here.


Thursday, 10/31/02, 11:00 PM
      I write this 16 hours later, now that I'm semi-coherent. Had no dreams when the anesthesiologist put me out, no recollection of anything 'til I woke up in the recovery room and Mom was there. An acute but dull pain down there, but it hurts more to move my hips. The Demerol PCA was not working right away so the pain worsened, but they fixed it quickly. There are these compression stockings around my calves that alternately inflate to keep the blood moving in my legs and prevent a clot that might cause an embolism. It feels weird and sometimes uncomfortable. Got my first "meal" around 6ish: broth (yuck!), gelatin, apple juice. Cranked on the TV and dozed off and on. Mom has been wonderful, stroking my hair and being very motherly. She finally left around 10PM to go back to the motel.

Friday, 11/01/02, 2:00 AM
      Woke to the sound of the PCA beeping: out of Demerol. This pretty black nurse named Yvonne came and changed the cartage; she handed me my diary then summoned my nurse to refill the icebag over my vagina. WOW! Though sleepy and in pain, those two words make me feel so good: my vagina!

Friday, 11/01/02
      [my ex-wife] visited a couple of hours, returned to Seattle around noon. My mother showed up at 11 and stayed the whole day again. Dr. Meltzer's nurse Cheryl came over in the morning to check on me, and the doctor himself stopped by in the afternoon. Both remarked how well it was looking down there. The swelling was normal and so far the bruising was minimal. Mom ran to Walgreens to fill the prescriptions for when I'm transferred out of here to the TLC unit at Merdian Park. She also brought me a fancy balloon, a butterfly. The significance is apparent; I have shed the last of my cocoon.

Saturday, 11/02/02, 9:20 AM
      Been up for a couple hours already. They took my vitals and found me with a fever of 101. I suppose I feel a little warm but otherwise okay. Finally out of bed and out of these damn compression wraps, now sitting somewhat uncomfortably in this chair, feeling my bowels gurgle wildly. Still, compared to how badly I could be feeling, I have little to complain about. [Then the gas attacks hit a few hours later.]

Saturday, 11/02/02, 11:00 PM
      Finally back in bed after being out all day long. Went for several walks with Mom around the hospital. Feels good to be up and around. I can't wait until these abdominal cramps and gas are history, but all in all I feel so damn good I am very grateful. And I have tomorrow to look forward to: these drains will be removed and I am going to TLC.

Sunday, 11/03/02
      The morning shot by so fast. Woke up a few times: water, icebag, Percocets, vital signs. Finally passed some serious gas which, along with the pills, finally relieved the worst pain of this entire stay. Mom came over again - God, I love her so much - and we spent more time together. My eldest cousin from downstate Oregon visited briefly, bearing an "It's a Girl!" balloon. We'd only been talking a little while when Dr. Meltzer showed up around noon to remove the drains. The pulling of the drains from my vagina was not too painful: a short liquid ache, five seconds each, as he drew them out of me. Then he changed my pad, told me he'd see me at TLC.
      Rick the driver gave me a nice, smooth ride down to Meridian Park Hospital in Tualatin where the Temporary Living Center nursing unit is. After we pulled up to the front of the hospital I elect to walk which starts to feel like a mistake after the first fifty feet of corridor. I could not stride very far at all; all of the sutures down there pinched when I tried to keep up with Rick who had to slow down for me. Soon I was settled in, and Mom arrived a little later with a new case of water and the balloons. As she had done for the past three days, Dr. Meltzer's patient care coordinator Kristi stopped by and spent some time with Mom and me. Mom and I watched TV and then a DVD on my laptop until about ten when she had to drive back to Portland. As I got ready for bed, I felt a little sick, like my cold was trying to come back, so I took some herbs and Vit-C along with my final meds for the day, said my prayers and went to sleep.

Thursday, 11/07/02 10AM
      Well, the cold never materialized. The last few days have been filled with progress and, expectedly, some pain. Until yesterday, the pain was that of all the various sutures, and there are a lot of them, holding my new vagina together. There are the sutures down the sides of my labia, plus stitches tying all of the skin together at the perineum just below the entrance to my vagina. And, until two days ago, there were the large sutures holding the major labia together, keeping the packing in my vagina.
      On Tuesday nurse Susan came by with a big package for me. First were the surgical scissors that snipped the large sutures and tweezers that pulled them out. Then she pulled out the packing with forceps. It was a long strip of inchwide cloth, looked like three feet of it, tinged red but not bloody, pulled out of my new vagina. It was such a strange sensation, not quite painful, of something being pulled out from inside me. If I had grabbed this book right away I might have recorded my exact emotion, but what sticks with me is wonder and gratitude. Oh, yes.
      But that was just the beginning. Next she pulled out the set of dilators and explained it all to me. She got it started, but it was up to me to push home the curved Lucite. The hard part was getting the dilator past the levator muscles. Soon I had it pushed all the way in, pleased to see I had six inches. After ten minutes of holding it there, it was ready to come out. Ahhhh . . . She finished up with describing the rest of my aftercare, then thrilled me with the news my catheter was coming out tomorrow. After hassling with the nighttime collection bag and the cap, it will be a pleasure. [If I only knew what I was about to be in for.]
      On Wednesday Susan came to remove the catheter. When she began slowly tugging it out there was a hot "peeing" sensation as it eased out. I thought I was out of the woods, but no such luck. Two hours later I had to pee badly, but could barely pass a drop because of my swollen urethra. It reminded me of being on heroin, bladder full and unable to relieve myself, only worse because I could feel it all. I sat on the toilet, crying, snot flowing, sobbing at the pain. Finally Susan came over an hour later with a straight catheter, half a quart came out. She showed me what she was doing and left it behind, in case I needed it again.
      On Thursday morning I'd already woken at 4:30 and 5:30, dying and unable to pee. Cathed myself again at 8:00 AM. One cup shy of a quart, this time. She came by again, and we decided I'll keep cathing myself and see about putting a Foley back in tomorrow if the swelling had not gone down by then.

Friday, 11/08/02
      Cheryl just put a new Foley in. After three wakeups with tear-wrenching pain and not even a drop, I am so ready for the Foley. They're sending me home with another straight cath, just in case. In other news the swelling and bruising of my mons seems to be getting better.
      Dilating is nowhere near as bad as I'd heard. Actually, within the first two minutes after getting it past the levator muscles, it feels pretty good, even when I have it pressed against the back wall of my vagina. I can make it go in the full six inches after five minutes of warmup. I dilate for 15 minutes instead of 10, and I work it around to help spread the muscle open. My goal: six to seven inches. I have named all my dilators; the largest is "Samuel L. Jackson." ;-)
      Well, to bed finally wearing a cath bag. Expect to finally have a decent night's sleep. A little bummed out to be wearing it again, but I know it will heal soon enough. It will certainly make the plane trip easier with the catheter tube capped. Well, night-night. Thank you God, for everything.

Saturday, 11/09/02
      Slept well. Cheryl came by again and check on me, and we exchanged pleasantries for a while, then hugs. I get the feeling she genuinely likes me, and I look forward to seeing her again when I come back for my labiaplasty. Then Kristi came by for long talk and another hug. I'm really going to miss these women! Finally Dr. M. came by around 4:00 PM. We talked for a while and he gave me a Foley catheter to take home, just in case, so I wouldn't have to use the other if the problem persists. I expressed my gratitude and my admiration with his work, how glad I was to have been made to wait ten years so that I could enjoy the benefits of all his experience. Anyway, it's now past midnight and I'm almost completely packed for the trip tomorrow. Can't wait to get home to my kitties and my sobriety sisters. Life is good, and God is great!

Sunday, 11/10/02 1:30 PM
      Writing this on Southwest flight 2174 at our stop in Sacramento. This morning went perfectly. Dilation, antibiotic ointment, breakfast. My ride showed up on time. A fast ride to the airport, curbside check-in, a wheelchair to the security checkpoint where I walked through, then the chair to the gate, two hours early. I inflated the donut-shaped cushion because it was really starting to get sore down there. Made a few cellular calls, worked on my novel and before I knew it was time to board. I took a couple of Percocets, first time in five days, and it made it all a lot less painful, especially the takeoff and landing. We're pushing away from the gate now, just one more hour to home. I can't wait to see my sobriety sisters and, most of all, my kitties.

Tuesday, 11/12/02 10:00 AM
      The catheter is out and I can pee! I am healing very well, and it already looks so good. It looks like every one I've ever seen. Dr. Meltzer is a miracle man! I am so grateful for the way everything has turned out, and I have not a single regret. I am the happiest girl in the whole world! Thank you, Goddess!!!