Christine Beatty on Spirituality

All I can say about this page is, expect it to be added to and changed from time to time. It's an important topic, one of the most imprtant in my life, and so I never quit thinking about it and I always leave room for growth. My take is that anyone who attempts to sell you the Ultimate Truth and Answer may very well believe they have it, but I believe the Infinite is far too great for human conception. No matter how hard we try, we're likely to bring in our preconceived notions.

In Twelve Step programs I slowly -- over several years -- began to believe in and trust in a Higher Power. For simplicity's sake, I call that Power God or, more properly, Goddess. (If God has a gender -- which I doubt -- She is more likely female.) Talk of "God" used to bother me, because of all the cultural baggage associated with that word. It brought to mind that whole Heaven/Hell dichotomy and numerous groups that said I was damned if I didn't believe what they did.

On one hand I did believe in some kind of God or creative force that put the universe here in the first place. Not in the Genesis sense of creation, but on a more general level instead. So, in that sense, I could believe. But beyond that I hadn't a clue. For awhile I had a lingering paranoia that the Jerry Falwells were right, but mostly I thought there couldn't be any kind of loving God in this fucked-up world, that Christians and other true believers were just as screwed as the rest of us. And I felt the most screwed of all.

I began to leave behind these destructive preconceptions and became more open-minded about spirituality when my mother gave me a fantastic book. Myth of the Goddess: Evolution of an Image got me out of the religious paranoia that held me in thrall for years. Aside from the true origins of the Old Testament, I learned that the most advanced Upper Paleolithic and Neolithic societies worshipped a peaceful, loving Goddess. Sadly, Goddess worship began to slip away when these societies were conquered by warlike, patriarchal nomads who worshipped an angry god who instilled fear.

Now that my head was no longer stuck in concepts of fear and punishment, I began to reassess everything with a new attitude. For years I cursed God for making me a transsexual woman, for putting me on this difficult, painful path. From time to time I actually wondered what terrible thing I might have done in a past life to have deserved this. Now I began to see that there was a blessing in it, that I am learning Life Lessons and gaining emotional strength and actually growing spiritually from all that I have experienced.

I admit that there are times when I say and do things that are not as "spiritual" as my ideal -- I am not perfect by any means -- but I continue to try to work toward it because it makes me happy and more serene when I do so. It helps me to be comfortable in my own skin, and it relieves me of the periodic depression I experienced for a long time.

Thank Goddess that mine was not a clinical depression, that I don't need medication to help dig me out of the emotional hole I found myself in from time to time. But I do know many people who do have such a diagnosis and who, in conjunction with proper medical care, find relief from low self-esteem and self-pity and resentment by staying open to spiritual growth. Honesty, openmindedness and willingness are the keys.

I spent far too long thinking if I passed as a born-female 100% of the time and was glamourmag beautiful and had lots of success and money, then I would be happy. Wrong! I live right next to Hollywood, home of some of the most beautiful yet miserable people on the planet. True happiness and serenity is an inside job.

I am fortunate -- if that is the word -- to have been an alcoholic and addict, because that disease compelled me into Twelve Step programs. In these programs I found that spiritual growth is the key to freedom from the bondage of not only chemicals but also my own "stinking thinking" that helped shove me into depression, resentment, etc. For anybody who even thinks they might have a problem with those things, "the program" an avenue of incredible relief. The cool thing is that there exist Twelve Step programs for many different problems: overeating, sex and love addiction, codependence, gambling, overspending, cigarettes, you name it. What I found after a while was that drugs and alcohol were not my real problem, they were but a *symptom*.

I hope this isn't too heavy for you, but I wanted to share what has helped turn my life around in more ways than I can count. And if anyone wants to discuss this in private then send me an email; I never get tired of talking about this stuff!