INTRODUCTION

Who Is Christine?
I am transsexual woman whose life reads like a tornado in a library. When I'm not programming computers for corporate America, I'm a published author and an unsigned recording artist. I'm also a recovering addict/alcoholic, a veteran of the United States Air Force, and a former prostitute. Most of all, I'm a success story: in my eighteenth year as a senior software engineer for a major corporation, I'm a happy, sober, self-actualized woman.

To answer the question that rude strangers often ask me: yes, I had my sex change operation. And it was a struggle to get here. Beyond the blatant anti-transsexual bigotry and professional disadvantages that forced me into sexwork in the mid-1980's, I overcame many other obstacles.

Yet I survived it all without bitterness or self-pity, because I love who and what I am today. I credit the love and support of my friends (and, eventually, my family) and to most of all to the Goddess for the success and happiness of my life today . . .       That and a wicked sense of humor.   ;-)

Why This Website?
Some of the challenges I've faced are common among many transsexual people, and I hope that airing them may serve some useful purpose. Those of us who have been in or are still trapped in dark places have been kept there by a society that loathes and ridicules us, and by our own fears and low self-image. I hope that telling my own truth may help people see past the two-dimensional images with which Hollywood depicts transgendered people, and give hope to others like me that they can rise above their circumstances.

Second, when my book deal comes through, this website will continue to be a place for information, updates and literary news. It will also be a repository of supplemental material: stories that did not make it into print and photographs from the multitude of keepsakes I've acquired over these many years.

Finally, a word of warning: In a few high profile media cases, a handful of people who've undergone transsexual surgery have publicly expressed regret about their decision. They blame their therapists, their surgeons, everybody but themselves. As you'll see below, at one low point in my life, I blamed all of my problems on my transsexualism and tried to go back to living as a man. The final truth is that TRANSSEXUAL SURGERY WILL NOT CURE ANY OF YOUR PROBLEMS. All it will do is fix one problem with your body. For those who want to know more, please read more about de-transition and "reparative" therapy including some stories from those who have de-transitioned and then re-transitioned.

Disclaimer
This website does not claim to speak for the majority of transsexual women. While many of us have struggled with substance abuse and/or resorted to sexwork, I have known many who have not. The common thread that does tie us together is the discrimination we have faced.

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THE JOURNEY

Introduction
Given that my life would fill up a goodsized miniseries, it was a challenge to present it with cohesiveness and linearity without putting the reader to sleep. I opted for bitesized, relatively chronological pieces, each with a short synopsis. Each section expands with a mouseclick for more stories and photos. The autobiography is nearly done. Enjoy!

Kid Next Door

My mother worried how "angry" I was back when this photo was taken(around age 12). More than angry I was fearful of everything and everybody, ever since nursery school. I never fit in, becoming more and more a loner. It was my salvation when they installed computer terminals in the library at the end of my freshman year in high school, where I spent every available minute. I went the entire four years without ever dating or socializing, because I could not relate to anybody. I first discovered pot in high school, but I did not start getting stoned all the time until I graduated.

Pothead Hippie

Marijuana was the best thing to ever happen to me as a teenager. My shyness dissipated with each toke and socializing was no longer painful. It gave me an identity: Hippie. LSD wasn't too shabby, either. I read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and craved that drug outlaw image: hip, slick, cool and fearless. Yet deep down, my identity was still a mystery. I knew I liked computers and drugs, but that was all I knew about myself. So I eventually ran away and enlisted in the United States Air Force.

Pothead Airman

One might think that being in the military would have put the brakes on my drug use, but those were the years that my addiction flourished. Back then there was no urinalysis for marijuana, so my use went undetected for the entire four years. And I used it around the clock, from waking until bedtime. Yet my job performance as an avionics instruments technician never suffered. However, no matter how stoned I got, I could not alleviate the guilt of the fetishistic crossdressing that I began during my enlistment. I feared that my drug buddies might discover my shameful secret. But I could not stop, not for long.

Married Student

I started dating my bride to be within seven months after returning to San Francisco, two years after my honorable discharge. It was love at first sight. She was brainy and beautiful. In the afterglow of our first time, I confessed my shameful past, my desire to stop dressing up. To my relief she absolved me, and I just knew that her love could cure me. WRONG! Within seven months of our marriage I was going into a tranny bar -- in "drag." I began to research gender issues at the college library where I was a Computer Science major. I eventually had to admit I was likely a TS (transsexual). Seven months later we divorced.

New Transsexual

The jigsaw pieces fell into place quite rapidly within two months of leaving, largely due to the first TS friend I made. To make up for lost time I started female hormones before my therapist cleared me for them, courtesy of a kindly downtown MD. Electrolysis began to painfully eradicate whiskers one by one, and I eventually became comfortable going out in public as a woman. But it wasn't always comfortable; I was "clocked" (noticed) as a transsexual left and right, and some people were very cruel. How crushed I was when I got the same reception on campus near the end of my second year. So I rebelled against the straight world, taking on the ways of my role model TS sisters. For instance, prostitution.

TS Prostitute

While my entrance to The Life was a choice, it was not made lightly. All of my options sucked, and this one seemed the best. It allowed me to continue my transition and live as a woman full time, and it fed my feminine ego like nothing had before. It was the first of many lines that I crossed that included IV drug use, heroin addiction and PCP-induced psychosis. It had its good moments, like the all-transsexual rock band we formed, and the best friend I found. Within nine months my life was such a disaster and my insecurities so hopeless that I concluded I was a failure as a TS, and I tried to go back to being a guy.

Heroin Addict

The following two years were hell, hitting lows I could never have imagined. I hated myself for abandoning my quest for womanhood, and the only thing that held me together was the love for my best friend turned lover, Wanda. I started tech school so I could get a computer job and be her husband, but my spiraling addiction derailed those plans. Over the next two years I became a major junkie, had two ugly PCP episodes including one that landed me in jail. I blew off several rehabs, was fired from my first programming job, and reached a point of hopelessness that made the year of hooking seem like a picnic. I finally admitted I was an addict and recovery then became possible.

Recovery

It is both a blessing and a curse of recovery that when you get clean and sober, all your feelings come back. So I more than a little distressed when the strongest feeling to return was my female identity. Within two months I knew I would soon kill myself if I continued trying to be a guy, so I resumed female hormones and electrolysis. Ironically, my first job was as a bartender in a seedy tavern nearby the old Spirit Club. I started looking for a computer job, quickly landing a position as a programmer. . . but as a guy. Soon, I began to present more easily as a woman. With a letter from my therapist, I told my manager of my transsexualism and my need to live as a woman full time. To my surprise and gratitude the company agreed, and I became Christine full time starting in December, 1989.

Programmer

I threw myself into my job with a fervor that made me a darling to the company. My new income afforded some cosmetic surgery that increased my confidence, but an emerging health crisis, liver disease, necessitated castration, a procedure usually done along with the sex change surgery. Though I remained hopeful, I was still incredible insecure. My recovery support groups had been the locus of my social life, but I needed further distractions, some of them unhealthy. I began to lose my focus on recovery, setting me up for a new disaster.

This is what is known in the movie/TV world as a "cliffhanger." We're only up to 1991 here and our heroine is apparently headed for turbulent waters. You'll have to wait for the book to learn the rest, including how she became a paid, freelance journalist and a lead singer in a rock band.

Activist

Speaking out is vital for a minority as small as the transsexual/transgender community. I began with being an ardent letter writer, but the best kind of activism involves going out and educating people. I have spoken on numerous panels for both professional and student audiences. I was invited on more than a few talk shows, everything from nationally syndicated television to local radio to public access cable. I have participated in organized, peaceful protest, marches and other events. I also worked on political bodies and for transgender-friendly politicians. Finally, I have always considered the rock band I cofounded to be an exercise in transsexual visibility as well as a musical endeavor. In 2001 I received an award as MTF (male-to-female) of the Year for my work in my band, and I accepted it for all of my efforts of behalf of our community.

Singer

I have loved music since high school, especially rock. Singing and playing saw me through the darkest moments of my life, and I always wanted to be in a working band. The all-TS group fell apart due to our dysfunctional lifestyles, and I began to worry I'd never perform in a real band. Then in the mid-90's I met the most amazing female guitar player I'd ever heard and we cofounded a band. We played a lot of shows, produced a CD, spent thousands of dollars and thousands of hours and had a major blast. But we never got signed. While I didn't regret one minute I'd spent on Glamazon, I eventually quit the band in late 2001.

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Christine Personal

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Photo Gallery updated 01/12/08

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Transsexuality & My Transition information and photos

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Christine's WWW Links

Christine's Writing

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Christine   on YouTube.com

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