Diary Entries, Fall 1988
Introduction
In order to understand these entries better, you'd almost have to see what I'd written in October of '87. That entry was filled with a lot of introspection and brave talk how I was glad that I left my female identity behind, an identity that I called "Crystal" in reference to my former working name as a prostitute. When I wrote that entry in 1987, Crystal was dead and buried . . . or so I thought. Yet as a heroin addict how could I know what I was really feeling? But when I finally took the drugs away in August of 1988, a few months after I turned thirty years old, I could no longer mask the feelings that spawned the following entries. I also kept a notebook and a journal, and I have interspersed all of it together.
DIARY: 09/29/88
Ohmigod! Here I am one year later in a drug & alcohol recovery program, reading this book again. I want to cry for myself and for Crystal — it still seems so unfair that I felt so trapped, and still feel somewhat trapped even today. Though I tell everyone that I relate my story to that I am glad to be a man, I think that deep down I still have some conflicts. I know that I needn't live up to other's ideas and expectations of what a man is, but it's still hard to go against societal opinion. I know that I still have a lot of those traits, such as sensitivity, that made it easier for me to want to be a woman, and — on some level — they still make it difficult for me to be a man.
If I was more (much more) the proper phenotype — more feminine — I might very well still be on hormone therapy and contemplating surgery. What I am saying is that I still feel like I somehow don't fit in.
NOTEBOOK: 9/29/88
Someone in this drug program told me he thinks I am gay. Since I do not try to project a gay or androgynous demeanor—or think I subconsciously do so—I am troubled by his assessment. Even more troubling is that I think I do the opposite. Without going to extremes, I try to be as butch, as hetero, as one-of-the-guys as possible. I do not like to have to think about how to act, because I feel like I’m cheating myself out of naturally being Chris.
DIARY: October 4, 1988
It hurts sometimes, having to keep this secret for fear of rejection by people I like and respect. When I was in a different rehab down here [the VA hospital] I made the mistake of revealing too much to too many people, and I noticed many people distancing themselves from me. I think some who didn't separate from me did so because they found my past interesting and me a curiosity. That didn't help me feel like I fit in. Obviously fitting in is important to me because there are many references to it in this book. Even Crystal fit in her small world, limited as it was.
I can outwardly fit in here or anywhere I chose to, but my inner turmoil persists. Crystal still lives inside of me and probably always will, for she is the gentle, sensitive, kind, feminine side of my nature. I don't know if it is her that causes me to manifest some of my more effeminate mannerisms or voice patterns, but I often feel the need to deny her (and the voice and manners) by overcompensating with the rough laugh, crudeness and the "we're all guys here" behaviors. In one way, it comforts me to be able to "fool" everyone into thinking of me as a slightly nutty but regular guy, but it also feels phony sometimes and I hate that.
DIARY: October 5, 1988
At other times Crystal still rears her beautiful but confused head, and I find myself longing for those old days. Those days then seem comfortable and familiar, exciting, thrilling and full of wonder; it seems easy to dismiss or forget the difficulties, self-doubt, sadness and despair that also existed for me back then.
NOTEBOOK: 10/12/88
Talking with my sponsor, I realized why I think of Crystal as separate. She can’t come out when Chris is around. Lawrence asked to hear her voice and she just couldn’t speak. This realization almost brought me to tears. Crystal is locked up in prison. She is buried but not dead, and that hurts a lot sometimes. I wish that Crystal felt free to come and go as she pleased, but I can understand why she does not. She’d flip out at the state of my body: hairy arms, legs and torso; rapidly growing and dense whiskers; and a voice low and rough from a couple of years of effort. There are not enough estrogens in me for Crystal to feel secure in coming out and taking over. Besides, estrogens actually restructure the brain, and maybe she can’t completely emerge from a male brain.
[Written before I knew anything about BSTc or brain sex.]
NOTEBOOK: 10/24/88
Here and there I’ve been noticing signs of Crystal wanting to break out and be herself. A few times, I’ve found myself walking and gesturing as Crystal and wished I could continue. I miss the natural grace and elegance of her movements, but I find them difficult to do as a man. Whether people interpreted me as a woman or as a drag queen, I would (and did) feel more comfortable and less misunderstood if I looked like Crystal when I behaved like her.
JOURNAL: 10/30/88
It’s not fair. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair. I could fill this book with that sentence and variations on it, but knowing “it’s not fair” provides very little comfort in the face of reality... How could I go 27 years being — for the most part — happy as a man, and within the space of a year, be mostly unhappy as a man and want to be a woman? And after living for over a year as a transsexual and concluding that, not passing very well as a female, I’d never be a successful at it, why do I still wish I was female? There are no easy answers to these questions and maybe no answers at all...
I suppose if I couldn’t become a woman, I’d wish for a third gender classification, none, where I could dress and act as I please without the fear of being avoided or attacked by people. I’m not ashamed of my desire to be a woman, but I am fearful of the rejection and censure by people I like, respect and care about. This makes it very difficult to share this problem at meetings... Though I often speak about her as though she is another person, Crystal is an important part of me. She is the majority of my identity, and yet I have to filter her through Chris — let her be known to the world as Chris — lest I be rejected as some kind of freak.
What I want is to be a woman, or at least to be able to fit into a size seven dress and heels. If I can’t be a woman, I’d at least like to pass more easily... how tough it was for me to find good-looking women's clothes in my size; how self-conscious I was wearing anything too revealing that showed my non-diminutive physique; the embarrassment I felt when cruel people on the street yelled insulting remarks; and how I hated myself, because I knew if I was a good-looking TS they’d have said nothing or even complimented me.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. I don’t think there is anything different I could do if I were to be a “queen” again, so I doubt I could change the way other people react to Crystal, but I still want to be her. That’s not insanity, that’s masochism. Yet I feel like I’m hurting myself just as much by keeping her locked inside. So either way I have pain.
On one hand I have the pain of other people’s insensitive or cruel reactions and my ensuing self doubt, and on the other hand I have the pain of keeping Crystal locked away when she screams to be let out. Which pain is worse? Which pain could I eventually overcome and be serene about? It seems like I am forced to chose between two negative alternatives, and I hate and resent being stuck in this position.
I shouldn’t feel resentful toward myself because I never asked to feel this way. I didn’t decide to become gender dysphoric, it just happened over time. I wish I could be ignorant of gender issues like I used to be. I wish I could be like the overwhelming majority of men who never even considered the possibility of being dissatisfied with their natural-born gender.
I know it would be wrong to kill myself, but sometimes I wish I was dead.
JOURNAL: 11/2/88
I went to the Tenderloin Self Help Center and attended their gender support group tonight. I have mixed emotions about it. In a way, it was a relief to talk with other gender dysphorics about my conflicts, but being with them reminded me of the seriousness of taking hormones and living as a woman. My thoughts are too vague to reflect further on this right now.
JOURNAL: 11/14/88 (First estrogen shot in over two years)
It’s Monday night, about ten to midnight, and I feel awful. Though I have some misgivings about being on hormones again, I am glad for the most part. It’s just that I hate this feeling like I don’t fit in anywhere. I wish it wasn’t so “easy” for me to act like a typical man because I feel like I’m betraying Crystal and damaging her sense of identity. At the same time, it is very difficult to let her out because it doesn’t yet feel safe for her.
NOTEBOOK: MID-JANUARY, 1989
Well, here I am two and a half months later. I’m two months into hormone therapy and electrolysis-and showing it! My breasts are developing much more quickly than the first time, and I've been getting thermolysis with a single-minded persistence, two hours a week. Obviously I’ve made my choice. After a lot of soul searching, I’ve decided I AM CRYSTAL, that I’ve always been her, and that all I’ve been doing is keeping her down for the last two years. It hasn’t been a tea party so far. I’ve had plenty of doubts along the way — transition can be such a head trip — but I feel right about my decision. I feel like I’m being true to me...
I’ll probably have doubts even after I’m living full-time as a woman but hopefully, by working a good program of recovery, my worries will be few, far between, and less agonizing than they were. Obviously there are a few drawbacks to being a six-foot transsexual woman. But by working with what I’ve got, learning all I can about passing, and using the Serenity Prayer as much as I need to, these drawbacks won’t affect my self-acceptance or self-esteem so much.
[Jeez! If I only knew!]