The Hell of Childhood and Adolescence

6th grade runt troubled Christmas

I grew up in a suburb south of San Francisco, in a very upper middle class neighborhood. I had the misfortune to attend a parochial school where the 7th and 8th grades were abruptly cancelled, forcing me to attend the majority of junior high in a public school. I might as well have been transferred to Beiruit. As in Lebanon. And if I looked unhappy in this 6th grade photo, it was nothing compared to how I must have looked a year later. My pipsqueak size nonwithstanding, I was bigtime sissy. After I got to middle school the bullies soon noticed me in the same way that hammerhead sharks notice a bloody fish. I ran - a lot - which did not do much for my self-esteem. Nor did my inability to relate to "guy" stuff either, like cars and sports. But I wasn't exactly playing with Barbie dolls, either. I can't say that I knew I should have been a girl, but it was clear that I was a misfit. I felt like a freak already. As I got older I was even less certain of myself, even though I got taller. The problem was that I never knew how to act or what to say. I sometimes wondered if I was from another planet. I had no real friends, and almost no acquaintances. High school was so socially painful that I never dated or went to dances or participated in any school activities. My only salvation was the computer terminals in the back of the library. I loved programming, and I was good at it. It was the only thing that made me feel like a worthwhile person. While I had my first tastes of alcohol and marijuana in high school, and got pukingly sick more than once, I wasn't habitual until after I graduated. This was because of an antisocial tendency of my peers to humiliate me, roll me for my stash or try to kick my ass. Let's just say I didn't exactly feel safe partying with them. Not that even those who weren't fasttracked for jail were exactly reaching out to me. Thus, I confined my potsmoking to evenings, a few times a week. Other than Social Hell, the worst part of highschool was mandatory Phys Ed. I hated it, especially undressing and showering in front of everybody. I was grateful to graduate a semester early, in January. Hasta la vista, Teenage Hell.