I never had a problem with gender identity when I was a kid, I had other important things to consider, like how to touch the clouds as I lay in the sun on our front lawn. Sure I played with dolls, I played with trucks too, such is farm life! My older brother seemed much older than me and we didn’t really converse much. My younger sister was an annoyance to me, being the tomboy that she was. I was forbidden to hit her even though she was allowed to hit me. I learned early that life was not fair.

At ten years of age this changed dramatically for me. I was over at my neighbours when the two girls there decided to dress us boys up, we put on wigs, make-up, shoes, skirts and tops and then pretended we were models parading up and down the hallway. The girls were telling us how wonderful we looked and showed us in a mirror, I couldn’t believe my eyes, I was beautiful! I wondered why I wasn’t a girl and from then on I could not get it out of my mind. This led me to believe that there was something seriously wrong with me and I was so ashamed that I couldn’t tell anyone.

The following years were a personal nightmare. I started cross dressing whenever I could without getting caught. It became my greatest fear that someone would find out my dread secret. Puberty was scary as things started to happen to me and I became painfully aware of my male components. I soon despised them and wished they were not there. I tried to fit in with the boys but found that I was so much different from them. I didn’t like the rough and tumble they were into and when they were dating I hated the way they used the other girls, I was always on the girls side.

By the time I was nineteen I was very depressed and withdrawn, living on my own as a hermit. I knew I was so different and it was killing me inside. One night, thinking over my predicament I came to the conclusion that I must be a woman as I certainly wasn’t a man. This decision sort of helped me as I realised I wasn’t actually sick, just a woman inside. I still didn’t know that there was anything that could be done about it until I met a man whom I found out to be gay. He suggested that I might be gay also and that I owed it to myself to find out. Sadly I tried and knew without a doubt that I was not gay. He introduced me to some ‘drag queens’ and I saw that it was possible for me to change my body.

I told my mother in the main street of our home town that I wanted to be a woman, she almost burst into tears and suggested we go see the doctor. Following seeing two psychiatrists who proclaimed that I was a ‘true transsexual’ I started taking hormones. I changed my name to Ava and immediately assumed my full time female role and moved in with some drag queens who helped me transition. I soon learned that I was different from them also as I was not gay. Within a year I had breast augmentation and couldn’t wait to have the gender reassignment surgery. I flew to London late ’78 where I had the surgery.

The following year was difficult as getting over the surgery took time, there was pain and discomfort for along time. My body changed in many ways due to the lack of male hormones and the replacement female hormones. My breasts filled out and my skin softened, facial hair became fine and fair and my hips and thighs grew. I was just so content with myself like I had never been before. I put my past behind me and did not want anyone to know of it, it was my new deep dark secret.

I became good friends with another transsexual woman by accident. We made a life together in an alternate lifestyle as hobby farmers. We shared comfort and mutual support until we broke up in 1987. I was very disillusioned with our relationship and became depressed moving away to the beach. Here I met a christian surfer who had many problems and I tried to help him with all my worldly wisdom. As I talked with him I found myself questioning if God was real and soon I also became a christian, having had a prayer answered and met God. I went to all the church meetings and loved the ladies meetings, I just couldn’t learn enough about God.

A couple of months later I was visiting another town where I met a pastor from a local church. We were generally chatting when suddenly he said ‘what’s your real name?’ I was stunned as I thought what my real name was and I suddenly blurted out my former name “Peter!” I felt so ashamed and burst into tears. The pastor revealed that he had worked in a red light district and knew lots of transsexual prostitutes and that it was wrong to be anything other than what God made me, a male. I was distraught but wanted to please God so vowed that I would change back.

I went back home and sadly made an appointment with my hairdresser. I had long hair to my waist and it was my pride and joy. I asked him to cut it all off and give me a boys cut and after some discussion he did with horror. I sneaked out of there hoping no one would see me and went home sad but determined to please God. I rang the doctor who did my breast augmentation and made an appointment to see him. By the end of the next week I had my breast implants removed. This was unbelievably frightening and I somehow felt bereft. I became depressed again, not wanting to show myself in public and on two occasions wanted to end it all. As I stood on the edge of the cliff I prayed to God to help me and He did, collapsing under the stress of the moment, later a similar ordeal as I attempted to step out in front of a speeding semitrailer.

Not long after that I met an itinerant preacher who asked me if I would like to move to another city and start life anew in his church. I agreed having nothing to loose and soon found myself 7000 Km away on the other side of the country. My first year there I cried most every night and I was full of confusion. I tried hard to integrate into the church, I buried myself in studying the bible and found everything I could to justify my sacrifice to God.

At forty I got married to a wonderful woman that I had known for seven years. Sadly our marriage didn’t work from the beginning, she wanted a man to care for her and I couldn’t be that for her. We struggled for the next seven years trying to keep the marriage together. We had talked about counselling so many times but I couldn’t see how it was going to help. Finally we did the recommended Landmark Forum and on the second day I realised that it wasn’t our marriage that was wrong but it was me. I had been living a lie trying to be someone I’m not and suppressing who I really am. The revelation came with full force and I had no choice but to confront it.

My wife was extremely upset and my church friends could not believe it. Some of them don’t accept what I am doing now and I find that difficult as I am still the same person inside. There are some christians who are very much against transsexualism but they never have to face what I and many others face. I never chose to be this way, it simply is the way I am and my greatest wish has always been to be normal. I now accept that I am normal because I am now free to be me and I am again content. I love being me and I can function properly now, I don’t need to hide who I am or my past and I still love God even as He still loves me.

I have learned that people are often driven by fear, fears that have no basis, that are not based on fact. We determine our prejudices through these fears and hence we suffer for them. What would life be without fear? The bible says that there will be neither male nor female in heaven – I look forward to that, it also says that we will know even as He knows us now, which means there will be nothing to hide in heaven and there I will be happy just being me and everyone knowing who I am.

My name is Peta, I am 48 and I am a woman who has suffered from Transsexualism. Who are you?

Please use your browser's Back button when finished